[February 27, 2005] Let me be the first to say this about Chris Rock's monologue at the Oscars: If you can't get Billy Crystal, WAIT!

[February 23, 2005] George W might not be the best president we've ever had, nor the brightest, but he's a solid contender for President With the Biggest Cojones: He thanked U.S. troops today for serving extended tours of duty, saying in part "Some [of you] were boarding the plane home to return to your families when you got word that we'd extended your tour. I know that was a trying time. But no change in plans could shake your resolve."

Actually, every last man and woman getting on those planes had resolved to go home. The government was extending their tours unilaterally, evoking the enlistment agreement's "Once you sign this we own your ass" clause.

[December 8, 2004] "As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time" -Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Except that if the army you have isn't large enough for the military adventure you wish to stage, there's nothing wrong with acquiring the army you want by forcing members of the National Guard into active service overseas.

[October 20, 2004] So the Reverend Pat Robertson tells us he warned Bush against invading Iraq because "the Lord told me it was going to be A, a disaster, and B, messy." What's troubling here is the Bush claims that God told him that he should invade. And we're supposed to be worried about John Kerry's flip-flops???

Assuming neither of these men is actually deluded, we can only assume that God is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder. I guess we should hope He doesn't wake up one day and think He's SkyNet.

Or else it's possible Bush and Robertson simply never asked for proper identification. "George, go invade Iraq." "Are you God?" "Um... yeah, whatever, that's me. Sure, I'm God."

[October 20, 2004] The Yankees suck. You can quote me on that.

[October 15, 2004] Major League Baseball Arrogance Redux: It's 7:21 in Boston and pouring rain. The playoff game is scheduled to begin at 7:30, and they still haven't called off the game. The fans are already at Fenway Park getting soaked because if they stay home and the game is played, their $100+ tickets become expensive souvenirs.

Of course if the game is called off, there won't be any refunds: It will be rescheduled for Monday and if you can't make it Monday... well, $100+ souvenirs.

[October 5, 2004] Am I the only person in the world who didn't know that Sigfried and Roy were gay? I'm reading where a drive-by shooting at "their home" was originally thought to be "a hate crime", and my first thought was "because they're German?" and then came "D'oh!"

I asked my brother Davvo who confirmed that I was, in fact, the only person in the world who didn't know. But, I mean... just because they work together? I mean, are Penn and Teller gay? Lewis and Martin? Bergen and McCarthy?

Well, he said, Bergen always did have his hand up McCarthy's ass.

[September 30, 2004] As little as I think of George W, John Kerry does not exactly win my confidence when he allows Bush to attack him and, when he gets around to defending himself, does so in such a long and ponderous manner that you wake up from your nap remembering only what the other guy said. Some free advice for tonight's date: The first time the "flip-flop" accusation comes up, respond simply, "Yes, I do change my mind when the situation changes. Yes, I do change my mind when I'm presented with new information. I change my mind when it's both intelligent and responsible to do so."

And then stop talking.

[September 28, 2004] The arrogance of Major League Baseball shows itself again: Tonight's Yankees game was rained out. Are fans being offered refunds for tickets that could run $85 each? No, but they're being permitted to exchange them for tickets (if available) for any other home game this season. "Home game this season" includes tomorrow and the next day. That's it.

You would think at the very least, ticketholders for a canceled September game would be allowed to carry the tickets over to the following season -- but the team owners would rather 20,000 to 30,000 paid-for tickets simply be thrown out. A major-league  to both the Yankee owners and all the others who remain confident in their monopoly.

I have three words for everybody: Minor League Baseball. For nine bucks you sit right up against the dugout, the players come over to sign autographs for the kids, and the players are all at the ballpark to play, because none of them have monster salaries or any guarantee that their career will last beyond mid-September. Is this major-league caliber play? Not always. But the most exciting, best-played baseball game I ever watched was between two single-A teams last year.

[September 27, 2004] Damn it, I hate when people agree with me before I get a chance to really rant: Leonard Pitts Jr, in a syndicated article for the Knight Ridder Tribune ("Rules Are Different For Minorities"), bemoaned the fact that Moslem groups are expected to publicly condemn Islamic terror attacks, and black politicians are called upon to denounce the likes of Louis Farrakhan but, say, Billy Graham isn't asked to condemn abortion clinic bombings by Christians. I'd read this sort of thing before and the fallacy has always annoyed me, so I e-mailed Mr. Pitts to point out that when (for example) somebody blows up a building claiming he's doing so in the name of Islam, then if Moslem leaders don't condemn it they appear to be, by their silence, accepting this claim. And "different rules" are not really applying here: Reverend Graham was not required to disavow Eric Rudolph's fatal bombing of an Alabama abortion clinic, because Rudolph didn't do it in the name of Christianity -- but anti-abortion groups were asked to denounce his violent solution.

Mr. Pitt e-mailed me back before the day was out, agreeing with me.

[September 23, 2004] President Bush announced today that John Kerry's criticism of Bush's Iraq policy creates pessimism and therefore undermines the war effort. It's always nice to be able to tell the voters that opposing you is tantamount to treason.

What next? Announcing that voting for Kerry will result in further terrorist attacks on American soil? No, wait, Chaney already said that last week.

[April 9, 2003] Okay, Bush has declared that the war in Iraq is over. We won. Are the troops coming home? No, apparently they're scheduled to stay there indefinitely, so they can... be targets? The party line is that they're remaining in Iraq to help them rebuild their government. Here's a thought: If the war's really over, it's time for the troops to come home. Their job is done. If we now need to help the Iraqis rebuild their government, send the politicians over there. Start with the ones who voted for the war in the first place either out of genuine conviction or poliitical expediency.

Or here's another idea: Saddam was a threat to the world. Well, we got rid of him and his government and maybe now we should leave while there are still some Iraqis who don't hate us. Let them create whatever new government they want, with this warning: We decided your old leader was a threat, so we came in and kicked his ass. If your new government becomes a threat to us, we'll come in and kick some asses again.

Simple, effective, and it eliminates the need to become an occupying force.

Got a problem with any of this?
Click the flame if you think I'll care.

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